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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in blackbird_pilot's LiveJournal:

Monday, May 2nd, 2005
12:27 pm
sooooooooooo
Im at O'Hare......
note we was alll supposed to be up outta this byotch at 10am!!! TEN!!!!!!
its now 12.30!!!!
not even on the plane...first they switched the 777 for a 747...then back to a 777!!!
WTF!!!!!!
united learn how to do your shit!!!

I have had so much starbucks im shaking.....

last night....NOTHING from Jeff!!!
he must have gotten my message because he didnt show up at my house for the limo to the airport.....
Melissa my dads gf daughter whos as good as my stepsister..fuck that sister..I love lexi and her like my blood!
hahah we call each other sister hahah
is with me...
were both nuts so LA will be like 284728572472 times funner!!!!

Im hurting....
but yea.....
Im pulling away.....
I cant hurt..not in this way NO more!!!
I have learned that much.....
why...i dont get it...

saw Andy for coffee last night...we sat at Dennys till 4am!!! hahaha talking...
good freinds are rare...and PRICELESS
Im glad hes back in my life....

oh well........
not much to say.....

expect pictures latter I already went through a roll just of the 777 alone and the airport and me and melly!!! because were sexy bitches!

Im going to be happy!!!
were going to warm ol cali....
Im going to be ok...
I need to forget the negative

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2 Comments |feels beautiful in the skin !
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
3:17 pm
tomorrow......I leave for LA....
United is amazing..I get to bring my baby doggy shaddow with...in cabin!

Things are not tip top in relationship land......another drinking binge....and no contact with me...


I cant get ahold of him....but I left him a message...my father got off of work and he is taking your place baby..so we can visit my little bother together...
I hope your ok...and i love you and we still have flordia in june....

when i should have been MAD!!!! I was...inside screaming....but yea.....

my father didnt and cant get off of work.....
so Melissa my fathers girlfreinds daughter is comming with me...
we have become close and shes a sweetheart...

my father sat me down and talked to me today....because he knows something is up...and I told him "daddy let me try and take care of this please"
and he said he would take over if he even suspects this is hurting me....
it is....oh lord it is..BEACAUSE
jeff is the ONLY man outside my father and family to say he loves me and wants to be with me..and he was living up to that!!!!

I have alot of thinking to do....
I cant hurt this way anymore.....
I know what i might have to do...


I want what my father has in his relationship...they light up the rooms they come into..there freinds love being around them..its so happy and well good!..I have NEVER seen my father happy...well not when he was with my mother....he so deserves this.....
I now have my father and a mother in my life...crazy normalcy......
Lexi treats me like a daughter...something my own mother never did!
she comes over to me and hugs and holds me..telling me its all going to be ok and she loves me..
to me shes the most beautiful woman in this world.







Well tomorrow Im due out of ORD in a 777....a plane I LOVE

I cant wait for take off..the shudder of the airframe..the howling scream of the engines...lifting 600,000lbs away from the earth....mortals bound for the heavens.......everytime I take off in a plane...I cry a little...because honestly its the impossible done..so amazing...decadence at its hight...
Flying is how I know Im alive...it makes me see how fragile we are...but how amazing life is...words can not and never will comprehend it properly for me.

Leaning my head against the window....the hum of the engine...never an annoyance to me......its our lifes blood...what keeps us aloft in a place not fit for humans to dwell but yet we do...at 500mph....pushing for our destination...in what just a 100 years ago...was called never to be...impossible...
Nothing is there but the sheer beauty of earth and nature...unabashed....
Nothing feels like it dose when Im at FL 390.......
its my perfection....


I dont expect others to understand.



Tomorrow is a gonna be a good day!!!

Current Mood: blah
feels beautiful in the skin !
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
1:52 pm
My aunt died...
its offical..gods a cunt

I had my hair dyed....
its a deep mahgony burgundy....sorta the same colour Lucille Ball had in the 1920s sequence for the 1974 movie "Mame"
I love it...
I hate that I love it...fucking sick vanity....

I talked to "A" till 4am last night....
oh "A"...what a time for you to come back into my life......

Son a été un pendant que. ...but vous n'avez jamais été extrême de mes pensées. ...is il sort ? Ce mauvais est-il.. le jeu que nous jouons ? Qui vraiment sera obligé à dire.. La vie est courte.. Vous avez su le me qui était.. Un temps que je tuerais avoir de retour.. Im jouant ce jeu. ..I doit.. La vie avec non ce que si. ...

Votre consoler me par la nuit. ..just l'a fait plus..


my french and italian lessons and my new keyboard have paid off....


i tried to eat...i freaked and took 20 laxs.....
yes someone can be addicted to laxatives....
I have a OCD...i dont throw out any..any of my laxative garbage....I have a whole napsack full of it...
my therapist said it would get worse before better....
I hate when others are right.....
my hearts mitral valve is prolapsing ALOT today...
eating carbohydrates can produce gastrointestinal problems, dizziness, weakness, and palpitations..I took a peice of bread..ONE peice to take my pills with and BAM
feh which means a trip for a shot and observation to University of chicago comer childrens hospital....
yea I know Im 21 and going there...
they have a really really nice eating disorders unit...
and if im comfortable in a hospital...thats saying something.....
the first time i went we went to Northwestern...and that was hell...fucking 2 year old interns and those glances..those fucking looks and stupid questions when they see your chart...and see

Anorexia Nervosa/Anorexia Athletica/Purging type MASDSM-III-R ( i have NO idea what those letters mean)

* Severe symptom severity
* Severe occupational impairment
* Moderate/severe social impairment


Inpatient-Klarman Eating Disorders Center at McLean Hospital-1999
Inpatient-John Hopkins University for Child & Adolescent Psychiatry,Washington Hospital Center-2001

Im not nuts and making it up....its why my father requested to speak to the department head and then said he would find more professionalism at a fucking corner bakery!
The one fat fucking ugly ass intern said "athletica" aloud...like she didnt know what it fucking meant.....

but at the uni of chicago...they are so nice and understanding..I dont feel quite so fucked up.....
anorexia...Paradiso perduto....la fame cosí profondo uccide

I miss my aunt...i dont understand why shes gone..I do....but I dont...
I cant say goodbey...
i hurt so much....
its in my chest...its where I cant get too.....
feh


i have taken a xanax...oh yes....
oh yes...
9 Comments |feels beautiful in the skin !
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
3:10 am
Its 3.10am and me and J are up and glued to the TV
today is a day in aviation history!!!
The maiden flight of the Airbus Industrie A380
bbc world international is the only Channel seeming to carry it...thank the lord for satelight!
another reason american tv sucks....
Its a straight live feed right from the Toulouse blagnac aeroport....the same feild just a few decades ago...Concorde had her maiden flight.


oh!! its on tv NOW!!!!!!
shes BEAUTIFUL!!!!
oh my what a sight!!!!
sorry dad;)
(dad works for the "big b" Boeing)
shes taxing!!!!
its amazing!!!!

well Im off to move to the big tv int he living room!!!!!

and she charged down the run way and left the earth for the very first time...it was amazing...
and yes I cried....
fuck you....
and it was that feeling when I first layed eyes on Concorde as a kid...
There will never be words good enough for what airplanes do to me....


aviation...the impossible...done...pure..unabashed...forever new....decadence....what I live for.

Current Mood: ecstatic
feels beautiful in the skin !
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
9:08 pm
Elton John last night was AMAZING!!! fucking amazing!!!! i have seen him over 5 times and each show..never fails to amaze me!!!!
No matter what people might say...he is a consumate profesional...which can not be said for alot of so called "muscians" these days...he goes on stage on time...and he plays 2 to 3 hours with NO break!!!!
Bringing the house down!!!
How that man plays the piano.....lordy...
They had the bass up...it was making me rumble...my ear drums rumbled if thats possible....i mean it litteraly made the allstate arena shudder
He did the song My Elusive Drug..I cryed....
I will never get enough of seeing Elton in concert...
Music is one of my lifes blood....

On our way into the Allstate....(O'Hare International is smack next to it) and all the sudden there was a Cathay pacific 74heavy not even 300 feet above us...bound for some amazing far away destination.....

Then me and jeff came home and fucked to the WHOLE songs from the west coast album by elton....
sex truly has never felt good till now...I cant explain it...
It lasts for hours...many times over...last week we spent 2 days in bed! ha!
oh yes.....

we woke up at like 1.30pm...his mom had pancakes for us...then me and J and his parents just sat there talking about any and evrything....
came to my house...
I made dinner a shrimp and veggie stir fry...
I purged....
The next step is to up my therapy to 3 days a week....I think I need that....
Leslie (my therapist) dose not want to put me in inpaitent yet....because I have issues with being away from my father and jeff...and theres a wait at both Mclean and hopkins.....

I just ate again and tried to purge it....
today was a good day!!! i dont fucking get this....
I couldnt purge it..i got blood and very dizzy...
why?
I just dont get this....
theres that man across the room...who loves me..like no one ever has..and you think i would be content not to slowly kill myslef...
I want to..see what he tells me he sees!!!
because i dont when i look in the fucking mirror...i want to see it...I want to feel it...
Im so tiered..I really am...
Here iam..FINALLY in an amazing relationship...filled with support and true love...a person who wants me for ME *gasp*...who loves fucked up ol me....who is now like a part of my family and I of his!!!
who dosent just want a peice of ass....who wakes me up every morning..telling me Im beautiful and who lays besides me at night telling me the same....
I just dont get why I still do this....i cant..Im tiered...but I dont know how to stop......




I need May 2nd really bad....I need to be on that plane....with my J...miles above everyone and everything....
Life is never more real for me..than it is..when Im in a plane...its sheer perfection...as well as the realization of how fragile life is....

Current Mood: pensive
feels beautiful in the skin !
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
10:38 pm
help me...caffines got a hold on me
today...the weathers gone down the shitter.
Me and my dads girlfriend went out shopping...we almost died...
In the store today....I was waiting for the phones to be unlocked...because I broke the one cordless phone...because Im a klutz..so I was wearing my new sunglasses and the girl goes...wow you look Mary kate Olsen!
hahha great thing to say to a anorexic!
and you guys all KNOW what a super bitch Iam...ESPECIALLY when it comes to comments about my weight..I mean really where are peoples manners these days!???
I looked at the girl dead on and go...."Oh really? well Im going for the Karen Carpenter look!"
my dads girlfreind burst out laughing and goes..can we just have the phone please! ha!

I went to the kids section of target..they have the BEST kids clothes...
got myself another Hello Kitty hoodie and a spongebob shirt....


so today I ate....a lil cereal...I dont know why cereal is a huge comfort food of mine....a lil rice...some popcorn chicken and a slice of pizza...granted i picked all the toppings and cheese off...threw those away....licked the sauce off..and had a bit of the cheese and threw all of the bottom and crust away...
so me and jeff then went and napped...woke up at 10pm...he was gonna run home and get something...and i snakced on cereal a bit...went to the loo...stood over and purged a little...and Im not even sure why!!!???
it just came up and I was like...oh shit..wait I wasnt supposed to do that....it was really odd and I felt so fucking removed...
my therapist...has told me to page her anytime...24 hours a day...
I didnt...i mean shit...friday night...this lady has a life and family....and each time I go a little off..Im not going to page her....I will see her monday.
I will not be a burden to people...I probally am enough already.
Anyways..she reads this...

Ill be ok....
I just have to stay out of the fucking mirrors...


ill be ok..





My bathroom was finished....its walpapered in this
the ceiling is painted in a colour called Adriatic blue
my bedroom is painted in southampton summer yachting (which is a pretty blue)
the ceiling


I LOVE it...my father goes "hmmm interesting...yes"
I go..dad you dont like it.
"nicole elizabeth, I never said that! its interesting and indeed it is that!"
hahaha
who cares if it "matches" i think they are so marvy!!!


I WANT this!!!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=51046&item=5188459923&rd=1

pretty niffty if I may say so.


ELTON is tomorrow!!!!!!!!
*dose a dance*
I cant wait!! cant wait!!!
eeeeeekkkkk
I wonder if they allow cameras...
oh well Im off to watch Family guy with jeff....

nookie real good...
nookie real good....
you can hear what goes on in my room...from other parts of the house...
lalalalla
my baby..he goes down south...and not to alabama...
dose it real good...
lalalala

*sorry for that caffine induced interlude*

Current Mood: horny
feels beautiful in the skin !
2:41 am
last night....
Had BK fries and then latter on the way to Jeffs I had some chicken nuggets...
I projectile vomited those....oh yea...guess my tummy didnt like them...
Then I was bad and drank some milk of magnesia....at jeffs!!!
I totally freaked for some reason...and wanted that control....
so needless to say waking up to the effects of MOM at Js house and not my own....
the cramps and the fluttery heart made me passout for a bit on his bathroom floor..while he was in the shower..
he didnt know about that...he got all worried..and I hate to do that...
but somedays...its just not easy and I slip....
Tomorrow is a new day...and thats all I can do...

I just can not explain what he dose for me.....


he was going through my journal and found this entery..

"so me and jeff are sitting here...its like almost 4am...
we never go to bed before 5
so we sit up and just talk
or sing
or write...
but then...
he said the L word to me...
someone actually said that word to me...
I dont diserve it..
but I want it"

and he turns to me and goes nicole elizabeth...you deserve what i said..i honestly have never said those
words in my whole life...not even to my family...I saw you watching that show on Concorde and how you were crying...and I have never in my life seen someone like you...I have nothinng....Im just this guy in community college..who plays a guitar...and hopes someone might like his music...and here you are...loving something so amazing...and if you say your a dork once more Im gonna kick your ass!

what can I say to that....

Saturday is Elton!!!
I cant wait to see him again!!!
Hes going to do songs off of Songs From The West Coast...
yea Ill cry...

I just cant wait till we go to California...
california..means happy for me...its when Desi was alive...
things were simpler and happier then....
I miss Desi everyday...so much.
I just cant wait till that majestic 777 leaves the ground...
2 Comments |feels beautiful in the skin !
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
8:58 pm
eh...therapy tiered me the fuck out today...
I get so frusterated sometimes....because I dont get this...
9 years and I cant even begin to understand it...
and the last thing its about is food.
its the total control...but really its me loosing all control...
and I hate it! I hate my anorexia and bulima...I hate how it makes me...
how it rules my life...everyday...most every hour!
and after 9 years..I cant recall how not to let it.
I try and it always seems to blow up in my face.

In my life now...theres alot of things that are so much better and great..and make me happy and its what I have wanted for so long....

But I still have such the road to go...its bad now...my ed...but somehow I know...that I wouldnt have made it this long...if it wasnt to get better....
just some days are low and blue...
I will try and make tomorrow better
its all I can do



I ate today...Burger king fries..those are my weakness...with ketchup...so yummy..I almost passed out...then I went pee after..and there was on the loo..itching to purge...so bad....but I know full well...if i did tonight...my ass would have been passed the fuck out next to my loo...and I STILL wanted to do it...and i thought of jeff out there waiting for me to come and cuddle..it took something mad for me to leave that bathroom..without purging...
so I came out and cuddled up with J and he goes "you know its ok you ate..Im so happy you did...I know you dont think it is...I got worried you were in the bathroom for a while...but really its ok to break our own rules sometimes.." then he kissed my heart...he dose this thing were he moves my shirt aside and kisses my chest..well where my heart is.

I dont deserve him.
But I want him.


I just need to get away...I can not wait for California..to see that majestic Pacific....
to be in that beautiful 777...to be away from everything...and jeff will be with me...*insert mile high club joke here*
we have already established...the certain death outcome, if nicole dont get her window seat;-)

hes special....I dont bring anyone 1300 miles to meet my family and esp visit Desi....

I just want to be on that plane...

what i think is the most beautiful experience in the world....being aloft at 39,000 feet..

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her wings are a feat of amazing engineering

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and because Im a total dork...this is the exact plane we will be taking into LAX!! in her new livery!
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1 Comment |feels beautiful in the skin !
10:27 am
New Lj....for therapy...for me...to seperate me..from me


I have been up since 7am!
thats nuts...and I feel my ass dragging...but I cant settle down to sleep.
But me and jeff stayed in bed till like 5pm last night..heh..so maybe its that..
not that we did very much sleeping....we did so much "not sleeping" Im walking with a noticble limp....

On that aspect of my life...I have NEVER had a relationship like this..sound and happy...someone whos imperfections who are also so open...
It was here all along....
I ran into these terrible relationships that were about as sucessful as the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic...


Right now hes trying to use our washer and dryer which are Maytag Neptunes and all I hear is "what the fuck...goddamn...I hate computers and they go and put one in a washer!!!" comming from the laundry room! haha!
This morning he brought me Starbucks...and "our song" on Cd....Something About You by Level 42...that cd is almost impossible to get in the US!!!




Today is a bad day for food...i have had some fat free pretzels and a couple spoons of the red beans and rice from last night....and here Iam worrying about it....
ugh....
today is a GOOOD day...fuck it...

oh well I got therapy latter...that shit can come out there...

Today is a good day because my dad emailed this to me...a change in next months travel itin...
Jeff then will have met ALL of my nutty ass cuban family!!
Im flying out to California...to visit my little brothers grave...on his aniversary.

May 2, 2005
United Airlines 109
Depart:10:00am morning - Chicago, IL Chicago O'Hare International (ORD) Non-stop
Arrive: 12:13pm afternoon - Los Angeles, CA Los Angeles International (LAX)
Passengers-Adult-2
Cabin-Buisness
Aircraft-Boeing 777
* 80% on time
* 4hr 13min
* 1746 miles


oh do we see what plane is taking us to LAX!??
YEA!!!! a 777!!!
who the fuck flies a 777 from ORD to LAX!???
Hey..Im not questioning...just saying!!!
There is NOTHING like a takeoff in a 777...how those General Electric GE90-115B (they also use Pratt & Whitney PW-4090 turbofans or Rolls-Royce Trent 892s, but I think United went with the GE's for their 777 fleet) how those engines howl...the worlds most powerful turbofan engines. How the scream to get almost 600,000lbs off the ground...how she climbs like a bat out of hell...the awesome enginering that is the sight of her wings...
Nothing feels like when Im flying...everything is so perfect up there...I have left everything behind and there Iam at 30,000+ feet...where humans were not made to dwell...but alas there we survive...the world is never more beautiful, than it is at that hight...unabashed,deacadnt and untouched.
Man did the impossible with aviation...
I will never love anything like I do planes and flying.
I dont expect anyone to understand that...
10 Comments |feels beautiful in the skin !
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
12:51 pm
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feels beautiful in the skin !
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